fallen

fallen

missy has fallen off the bed..not once but twice..

all in my care.. and neglect obviously..

any mom would say ..oh dont be too hard on yourself..

but what if i take these things rather lightly. Hana did mention that a fellow friend's kid fell and had brain damage. did that scare me.. yes.. but did it make me change my ways.. no..

see.. she fell yesterday as i was administering her medicine. seeing the medicine bottle was 'dripping'. i decided to wash and clean its exterior first before i put the cap back on. i had to do it there and then. leaving missy dangerously on the edge of the bed. as i hurried back to her, i was not fast enough to stop her fall. so i made it worst. lifted her up as fast as i could. cruelly with one hand. i picked her up by her hand and used the momentum to land her body on mine. all this still holding the bottle of medicine that by now have spilled its way to my pants, bed, floor and table. all that happened because i wanted a clean bottle!

he heard the commotion. when he entered the room i just instructed him to get a rag and clean the mess. i soothe crying missy and inspected her for any superficial injuries. if there were any i would have to answer to the in-laws! nope.. none.. she's fine...

at night he went up to sleeping missy and said kesian ah dia jatuh...

coldly i reply dia strong.. dia tough.. to me its ok. i want her to grow up tough.

i have no sense of remorse at all. plenty of times i forsake her safety to do the dumbest things. like putting things back in order or cleaning things and putting them away first before i get back to missy. its like i feel that if i dont do it then, i will never get it done. i seriously need to prioritise her safety over clenliness and neatness. i just dont have any consience in me. even when the first fall took place a month ago. while i was writing my blog! yes i was afraid.. afraid to tell him.. taking for granted no fall can hurt my baby. i am like that helper who would take so much precaution when someones around. otherwise its simply bochap. much at the expense of my lilttle one.

so will i change my ways.. yes..

so will i cause her fall again.. yes!..

sick C'caine